The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
