At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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