he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
