You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
