What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
