Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
