Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
