I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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