You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
