Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She bit a glass in half.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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