Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
