So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
