The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i believe in u and ur pee
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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