you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
