This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
