two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
