Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize