i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
