Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
