So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
