sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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