We're facebook friends in real life
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I FOUND THE LEGS
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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