found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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