See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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