I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
