how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
