Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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