I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
