Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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