you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize