She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize
