if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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