I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
