I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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