I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
