How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
