Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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