I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
