Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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