'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
