You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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