i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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