Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
