Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
