Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
The best revenge is premature balding
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Randomize
