I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
