My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
