in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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