The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
