so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
