totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
