I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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