I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
we should paint friendship bongs
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
