i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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