My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
