Apparently you make a good broom.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
