Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
