she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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