Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
did you just send me my own nude
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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